It's one of those days.

What's the fucking point, eh?

Can someone please let me know? I must be missing something. I've been sit here all day just staring at the monitor screen in front of me. How did this happen? How did I end up sitting here; waiting.

When we're young we're taught many things but the cruelest thing we’re taught is ambition. We're told we can be anything we want to be. Well for a start, that's a complete fucking lie. Tell me about Father Christmas, God, The Tooth Fairy, that TV and wanking will make me go blind, if you really want to, tell me when I turn 17 a huge flying goat called "Dick Rippington" will come and rip off my cock and spit fire down my arse whilst singing "The Eye of the Tiger"...just don't tell me I have the opportunity to make something of my life because that's fucking child abuse and no amount of therapy is going to help you deal with that shit when you get older.

Sure some people might just about fluke something and then convince themselves that's where they wanted from the start but for the huge majority of us it’s just not true. When we grow up, we don’t do or create anything like all our childhood dreams and fantasies told us we would, our only function is to choose. Choose and consume.

We spend our childhood sat in classrooms, bored. If we’re lucky, we go to sit in lecture halls, bored. Then later we get jobs in offices, counting down the hours, the minutes, the seconds until we can go home and watch idiots on TV, start an alcohol habit, lie in bed awake all night, unable to fight through the weeds and the bracken to force through one single intelligent thought to completion…and finally it happens, the thought reaches it's completion........and it’s…well it’s shit. You’ve just wasted your fucking time.

So you learn not to bother. You rely on reflex and reaction. The small clearing in the forest that represents original thought is lost, eventually you get used to that, and you forget it ever existed.

I told myself when I was young that I never wanted to work in an office. It looked soul destroying. But I didn’t try hard enough to avoid that fate and so ended up betraying myself. It’s pathetic….I’m pathetic. but I can't get rid of the feeling that maybe I’m just a boring person. Maybe I’m meant to be here. Maybe this is as good as it gets. All I know is that given the chance, I wouldn’t be in front of a computer screen, writing this shit, whilst pretending to work.

It’s still 3 hours and fifteen minutes until I get to wait for a crowded train, wait for the train to reach Oakleigh Park and wait for sleep.

I reread this entry and realized that…well it’s shit. You’ve just wasted your fucking time.