The critical and commercial success of Wes Craven's 90's slasher film Scream led to a spate of rubbish films being commissioned including such utter fecal sludge as I Know What You Did Last Summer, Urban Legend, Valentine, Cherry Falls, the remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Craven's own The Hills Have Eyes.
Now this might seem an odd way to start a review of 'Prince Caspian', the second installment of 'The Chronicles of Narnia' (primarily a children's fantasy story) but there is a connection. Without the huge success of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy (and to a lesser extend the Harry Potter films), this film probably would never have been made.
Like the Lord of the Rings, the first two Narnia films were made by a New Zealander - Andrew Adamson (having previously been behind Shrek 1 + 2). The first Narnia book - The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (for those few of you who don't know) takes place in a wardrobe. There was a witch played by Barbara Windsor. She spent all day in the wardrobe farting and giggling.....I can't remember there being a lion. I think it was meant to be a metaphor.
I jest. Can't you tell? Look at my jesty hat.
Anyway, I was dragged along to the Barnet Odeous Cinema by my CS Lewis obsessed lady friend last night to see the second installment - 'Prince Caspian'.
The film begins with a shot announcing the birth of some kid. A hairy man looks out of a window. He is a BAD MAN - you can tell by his brooding stare and his beard. You can't see what he's looking at out of the window but it's probably a seagull or a puppy and he's probably thinking nasty things about it. He almost looks.....well.....no....they wouldn't do that.
Anyway it turns out that this kid that's popped the womb door is the Broody Beardy man's son. Prince Floppylocks (played convincingly by Peter Andre) is woken and told he needs to run away because Broody Beardy man is his uncle and plans on killing him so that he can become king.....although surely that means that Floppylocks is actually a King...I don't really know how monarchy works.
It's not really that important. More important is that Prince Floppylocks has a secret door in his room, which is cool. He runs away aided by The Professor, who in a piece of casting genius is played by a dotty old man, with glasses and a long white beard.
Oh yeah, and he gives him a horn. It looks a bit crap.
Floppylocks is chased by some of Broody Beardy man's soldiers. To make things easier, they all look a bit like Broody Beardy man in that they are both Broody and Beardy (to varying degrees). Unfortunately for Floppylocks, since 1934 it has been law that any film that contains someone travelling at high speed though woods must at some point be hit in the head and knocked off their horse/carriage/Imperial speeder by a previously unseen branch....so this happens.
Instead of an Ewok with a stick, Floppylocks is woken by Warrick Davis (of Time Bandits, Labyrinth, Willow, The Princess and the Dwarf, Snow White and the Harry Potter films) who in what have many described as a career changing role.......plays a dwarf.
Oh yeah, he also played an Ewok once too, with a stick.
The Broody Beardy man's soldiers surround them and Floppylocks blows his horn.
Crikey, buttered scones and hurrah for Churchill! We're suddenly back in Londontown! It's the Blitz dontcha know and for some reason all the kids are fighting! Clearly this is before the days of Boris' alcohol ban. Feral Children fighting on our streets! The Daily Mail would be up in arms (well....it would have been if it's owner, Lord Rothermere, hadn't been too busy frantically trying to break all pre-war ties with his buddies Hitler and Mussolini at the time)
Anyway. One of these kids is High King Lord Emperor Penguin Pete. The fight is broken up and the kids; 'High King Lord Emperor Penguin Pete' (HKLEPP), 'Frumpylips', 'The Insignificant One' and 'I see dead people' all sit down and discuss how rubbish it is being in London.....all of a sudden they're transported to a beautiful beach, surrounded by green hills and a bright blue sea. They all run about and act like idiots.....
blah blah blah.....Floppylocks finds the Narnians.....Eddie Izzard is a killer mouse....Ken Stott is a fat arsed badger....'I see dead people' see's a Lion.....HKL Emperor Penguin Pete suddenly becomes very good at fighting (this bit is actually quite cool)....and there's a couple of big battles....which are actually quite well done......and then finally, just like in LOTR, the trees save the day.
It's always a huge bonus when films have trebuchets in. I get to knowingly whisper to my girlfriend - "that's a trebuchet!". I can tell it impresses her. There are 4 in this film.
In the end Frumpylips and Floppylocks flirt like farting oranges, Simba the Lion King turns up (he'd been at a Christian Rock Festival), Broody Beardy man gets stabbed by one of his own guys, the lion makes a bridge fall over, the evil Muslims.....I mean Broody Beardy men all fall in a river and drown and all is good.
Boom, Woosh and Spangles! We're back in London, and the tube is finally here.
All in all a good kids film. I actually preferred it to the first. Some of the kids simply can't act and there are some truly comical moments in it where the Christian allegory aspects come through but it's all silly fun really.
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2 comments:
The child that pops out the womb isn't prince Floppylocks - it's Floppylocks' COUSIN. And as Floppylocks isn't yet 18 Lord Miraz is the sort of Lord Protector if you will - that's why it's not King Floppylocks.
You really don't know anything do you?
I have to say Urban Legend is a pretty good film. Not quite Scream, but as close as any of them got.
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